Okay. So I would like to say Fuck you.

Lately I feel as if I am drowning in them. I know I'm not alone but I feel like it and it is bothering me greatly. I have always hated being alone and have always been afraid of being alone. It's at these times...when I'm alone...that my mind begins to wander and I start to dwell on memories and past conversations. I pick them apart and analyze until I drive myself crazy. My mind has this terrible way of making a situation into murder it seems. The smallest thing is turned into a huge ordeal.

I hate to remember. It seems that even my happiest memories are turned into something ugly by my mind. My memories are there it seems to make me miserable. The train of thought always goes from a happy memory to a very bad one in an instant. It's like I can't forgive myself for even the smallest mistakes I've made in the past and I'm making myself suffer every time I try and reminisce.

The fear of being ignored. It's not an outright fear but it's there. Feeling like you're not wanted and you're not good enough so other's turn their backs on you. I'm left to stand by myself in my empty room while my constant calls are ignored. I feel as though I'm constantly fighting this. I don't want to go out without leaving my mark on this world. How am I ever supposed to do this if I am ignored. I refuse to be and you will keep getting my letters and my phone calls.

I feel as though I'm not worthy of love. I'm constantly putting myself down as if I'm not good enough. I'm not allowed to be happy. For some reason whenever I am happy I do something to ruin it. It tears me apart because I sit and watch myself destroy the things that make me happy. One by one, from the inside out. I don't know how to fix it. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose it that I lose it with my fear. It seems that I don't know how to make myself happy. I know how to make others happy but when it comes to myself I can't make the sacrifice.

I am myself and all of this is me. As much as I hate it I have to love it as well because this is part of who I am. I don't know how to fix myself and maybe I don't need to be fixed. What would I be like if this dark side of me didn't exist? Would I still be the person you know or would I be someone else? One thing is certain. I don't care what you say or think about me. These are my fears and this is what I feel. This makes me who I am. Bearing my soul is also part of who I am. I have never been one to sit and keep things inside me. Granted I might not come out with it in the most orthodox fashion but this is what I choose. Words are all I have and I can live with that. Atleast I have this and not nothing. Be aware that this is who I am. I will not hide who I am for any person or for any reason.